The Running Dream

I have a recurring dream that feels so liberating. I can’t remember every detail of the dream, but what I do remember is that I am running, freely and effortlessly, a long distance in a marathon. It’s exhilarating and liberating. I’m noticing the large peaceful trees as I pass. I’m noticing the other runners around me that I am in friendly competition with. Suddenly, I realize that I’m running! I mean, I’m actually running and I feel great! My bones aren’t hurting, my back isn’t aching, my knees aren’t cracking, I’m not getting shin splints and my breathing isn’t labored. In fact, I feel victorious and alive!

You should know that I hate running. There is a part of me that longs to run well. At my best health, I could run one lap around the track. I thought that was very exciting! At this point in life, I don’t even like to walk one lap around the track. So to run without effort and feel invigorated versus ill is amazing to me! But exactly what does my dream mean? I’ve been contemplating this for a while now, especially because I have had this dream more than once. As always, I’ve been reading quite a bit lately. I’ve been trying to learn how to honor my essential self as Martha Beck describes in her book, “Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live.” I’ve been learning to slow down my pace in life by practicing mindfulness and gratitude as instructed in “Inner Simplicity: 100 Ways to Regain Peace and Nourish Your Soul” by Elaine St. James. So finding meaning in this dream was not just for the sake of satisfying my curiosity, but in figuring out more about who I am and where I’m suppose to be going in life.

I suppose the obvious meaning of the dream is quite simply that I would really like to be able to run! But is there more? Gregg Levoy in his book "Callings: Finding and Following An Authentic Life," indicates that “most spiritual traditions clearly regard dreams as revelations from the gods, the soul, the Big Soup, and consider the act of separating waking life from dreams, the conscious from the unconscious, the same as tearing a plant from its roots (p.77).” In fact, he further postulates that dreams contain the meaning of what we should be. Ignoring or minimizing dreams is denying a part of our selves that longs to be heard. “In our dreams,” he states, “we roam far south of rational and well the west of Main Street (p. 81).” Paying attention to our dreams helps us to define who we really are.

After doing a little dream work, completing an informal Gestalt dream analysis technique my graduate professor demonstrated for us during class (and that I now use with my clients), and, of course, consulting with my eldest daughter, Sabrina (who is wise beyond her years and whose insight I truly value), I’ve come to some conclusions about my running dream. I observed the fact that the runners I was amongst were friendly and not necessarily competing against me – we were all moving towards a similar goal. I also noticed how reflective and aware I was of my surroundings as well as my own physical process. As my daughter and I were walking through a local labyrinth, we had some time to talk about my dream. She and I noticed that in my dream there was no finish line and that I was moving along effortlessly. She pointed out that I had a tendency to overanalyze things (possibly because I was a former “G.A.T.E.” student she reflected). She told me to stop and look at the most obvious reason first. Well, that took me back to obvious fact that I want to run. Emphasis: want! As is not forcing things to happen. Sabrina...so wise.

So here’s what I think: I think this recurring dream is simply my essential self telling me to stop and smell the roses and that life is a journey not a destination. My dream serves as a reminder that, in the midst of reaching my goals, I don’t need to force myself nor overwhelm myself with trying to accomplish everything all at once. I need to remember that I’m amongst friends, and although we are often working towards similar, if not the same, goals, I do not have to be worried about keeping up. We are all working at our own pace and as long as we can stop to enjoy the process or journey, we will reach our goals in good time. The physical liberation I felt while observing my surroundings felt so good! I was practicing mindfulness in my dream and that was freeing. That freedom gave me the energy and passion I needed to go further and to feel happy while doing so.

I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to pass my MFT exams and to become licensed. This is all self-imposed of course, but never-the-less, I realize both the personal and professional doors becoming licensed will open for me. I push myself to do all that I can to gain the hours I need and become a good candidate for employment – and I know others do too. I have friends and colleagues working at multiple counseling centers, working during summers they would normally have off, and working long days in order to be able to submit those 3000 intern hours in a timely manner. The budget cuts and lack of funding are causing chaos in the world of interns (and others) right now. The pressure to finish is extreme! Personally, I feel the need to become licensed so that I can actually support my family. I know that being licensed isn’t the sole answer, but I certainly feel it will provide better opportunities which I so desperately need. I’m sure many of my colleagues can relate. Right now, I am so close yet so far away from my goal. I’m completing workshops, seeing clients, obtaining certifications, networking, and marketing myself, all in the hopes of getting to the next level. I’m trying to manage my career, my family’s needs, and my personal goals while maintaining some sense of composure. This goal directed behavior really makes it difficult to stop and smell the roses. However, it’s so important. Self-care is a critical component to balance and happiness, but so is enjoying the process which my essential self was conveying me through my running dream. If I can remember that slow and steady wins the race, then I can let go of the pressure I put on myself. Slowing down the pace, removing the pressure, and enjoying the journey will help me reach my goal. Thank you, essential self, for reminding me of this very important lesson.

The Importance of Self-Exploration and a Strong Sense of Self

I am certainly a good example of the pot calling the kettle black. If you were to ever observe me conducting therapy, there's a good chance that you would hear me telling my clients something like, “It’s important to know yourself well enough to know what does and does not work for you.” Yet in my personal life, I have recently realized that I’ve lost the sense of who I am. No wonder I feel lost! If we are not centered, it’s difficult to discern what the stuff we should be concerned about is. When we are solid in who we are and what we stand for, we become grounded which helps us to put the breaks on the chaos outside.

When did this loss begin? Well, I believe that, for me, this spiral out of control began when I finished graduate school. Suddenly, I felt like I was back at square one. Instead of feeling like I had accomplished something great, I felt like I was back at beginning. I became an intern with 3000 hours to accumulate. What a bummer! So many changes occurred after that point and yet I’ve continued to acquire hours. In fact, I have put so much of my focus on being finished with theses hours that I’ve neglected to notice and appreciate the journey I’ve been on. Not only have I failed to stop and smell the roses, but I’ve forgotten about taking care of myself. Ultimately, I’ve become depressed. Now that’s the superficial story, of course. What I haven’t mentioned is that I gave birth to my third child, my mom became ill and passed away from cancer, and my husband lost his job. Ultimately, however, the main part of what has convoluted things is my resistance to understanding the ever-evolving me and what I was beginning to stand for. (On a side note, my depression has, thankfully, improved.)

I began to notice, though, that I had lost the joy in life. I had no passion – for anything. I was also stuck between a rock and hard place. The only joy I could resonate with was with my family and I was interpreting that to mean that I wanted to stay home with my children more. Of course that was impossible because of our financial situation, so I became resentful of the fact that what I thought was my only passion was so far out of my reach. I have never been the person to not have purpose or meaning, but this season of my life was certainly blah. I observed other women who were driven and seemed to have purpose in their careers and I became envious! I would spend time with my friends who were able to stay at home with their children and I would crumble on the inside with heartache. On the political and religious front, I would close my eyes and stay neutral. I didn’t know myself well enough to know what I stood for anymore. Even my internal and interpersonal boundaries suffered. When my husband was happy, so was I! When he was mad, so was I! I was just floating by in life, coat-tailing on everyone else’s journey – what a horrible feeling.

I finally became so frustrated that I began to do some soul-searching. First, I realized I wasn’t taking good care of myself. Let me tell you: sleep is life saving! Second, I worked on just accepting where I was at in life not as written in stone, but as just a moment in time. I also began focusing on the here-and-now by not worrying about the future or staying stuck in the past. I also began reading a lot about self-care, spirituality, and passion and as I began to process the meaning behind what I was reading, I started to understand that what I was experiencing was not a indefinite loss of joy and passion, but a lack of understanding that I had changed as a person. I was no longer the same Kristy that I was in my twenties. I have definitely changed over time! Sadly, I have been spending way too much time being remorseful about what used to be that I have not taken the time to explore, develop, and strengthen the person I am today. I’ve realized it’s time for a little self-exploration to reorient myself to who I am, what I believe in, and what motivates me. It’s time to become best friends with ME and to appreciate all the things that I bring to the table and want to do in the future.

Without the understanding of who you are, you cannot move forward deliberately, consistently, and, ultimately, successfully. Unfortunately, many people are unaware of who they or what they stand for, yet they are able to move forward. What they don't realize, though, is that it’s a journey often wrought with a lot of disappointments, pain and regret; a life left undirected is sporadically sprinkled with haphazard joy and success. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Take control of your life and fine-tune the depth of your being. Take the time you need to get to know yourself and then take action. So I begin my new journey with a renewed hope and excitement: feelings that have eluded me for a long while now. If you haven't already done so and are feeling a little lost yourself, I encourage you to try a little self-exploration to find out who you are and what you stand for as well! Much success to you!

"Whenever there is a reaching down into innermost experience, into the nucleus of personality, most people are overcome by fear and many run away. . . The risk of inner experience, the adventure of the spirit, is in any case alien to most human beings. The possibility that such experience might have psychic reality is anathema to them."

Carl Jung (1875 - 1961)

Faith & Chaos

There is a song by Sanctus Real titled “Whatever You’re Doing (Something Heavenly).” I often reflect on this song and claim it as the anthem for my life in its current state. I have so much going on, externally and internally, that I often feel completely lost, confused and angry. Sometimes, it’s so confusing that I become paralyzed and numb. I play dead like a possum in this thing called life. That might be normal for some, but for me, it’s very uncharacteristic. It’s something that I’m adjusting to and trying to learn to navigate my way through. I try to figure it out and change it, but I don’t think I’m in control of overcoming it right now. Believe me, I keep trying! So I turn to my faith to make sense of it. Is my experience more of a molding and character building process? And if so, I really need to look at all of these events differently. Not so negatively, perhaps, but as learning opportunities that are improving me. I have been so worried about how I can control things better and what I can do to make things different, but my actions always fall short. So what’s more for me to learn if taking charge of things isn’t helping? This is exactly what I’m trying to figure out. Take the lyrics to the song I mentioned earlier:

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

I can so relate to those words! Yet I forget their truth and turn back to self-reliance to “fix” my problems. I just have to hang on to my own will. The process of negativity, self-directed behavior, falling short, unhappiness, and disappointment in life is often overwhelming and leads to depression for me. It truly feels like that proverbial black pit that one can’t climb out of. Then!! Then I recall the truth of my faith that says just that! Romans 12:12 states “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” I work so hard on trying to fix me, but I fail to work hard at believing, patience and praying. So maybe if I work harder at practicing my faith and work less at trying to stay in charge, maybe things will begin to improve. I really do believe that where I’m at in life is more of a re-learning of self or a mid-life crisis or a character-shaping. Although this is a difficult process, I am confident that good things are happening and that positive changes are occurring.

Violin practice & my inner gremlin

One and half hours after practicing my violin, my upper arms, wrist, and fingers are aching! Yet, here I am typing. The battle between me and my inner gremlin rages on. My inner gremlin, knowing my weakness of perfection, is attacking me once again. My "natural" self tells me that I'm progressing nicely for a beginner; however, that inner gremlin is causing all kinds of chaos and inner conflict. Constant doubt and the desire to give up ("I'll never get this!") are my new best friends. I've been watching all the very talented violinists on youtube and compare myself. Here I am practicing and rating myself as a failure next to these talents. My inner gremlin is, once again, sabotaging my efforts to learn something new by comparing me to those who have been studying for years! "Of course I wouldn't compare!" my natural self declares. "I am only a mere student taking one step at a time. It makes sense that I can't play well yet - not with only two lessons!" What a battle raging inside me between that dastardly gremlin and my natural vibrant self. However, today I prevail. Bye bye ugly little gremlin! I'm off to practice once again! Today my inner gremlin is defeated!

New to the Game

Hey everyone! I thought I'd jump on the band-wagon and start blogging just like most of my friends. I hope I don't disappoint, however, I will put out the disclaimer: I'm not trying to be witty, inspirational, nor over the top insightful. I am just a woman trying to figure out myself in a life of complexity. I am ready, though, to put some of my thoughts and struggles out in the world in a public way. I'm aiming more for catharsis and self-reflection as opposed to publication, but if anyone is amused or enlightened along the way, then more power to the both of us!