Faith & Chaos

There is a song by Sanctus Real titled “Whatever You’re Doing (Something Heavenly).” I often reflect on this song and claim it as the anthem for my life in its current state. I have so much going on, externally and internally, that I often feel completely lost, confused and angry. Sometimes, it’s so confusing that I become paralyzed and numb. I play dead like a possum in this thing called life. That might be normal for some, but for me, it’s very uncharacteristic. It’s something that I’m adjusting to and trying to learn to navigate my way through. I try to figure it out and change it, but I don’t think I’m in control of overcoming it right now. Believe me, I keep trying! So I turn to my faith to make sense of it. Is my experience more of a molding and character building process? And if so, I really need to look at all of these events differently. Not so negatively, perhaps, but as learning opportunities that are improving me. I have been so worried about how I can control things better and what I can do to make things different, but my actions always fall short. So what’s more for me to learn if taking charge of things isn’t helping? This is exactly what I’m trying to figure out. Take the lyrics to the song I mentioned earlier:

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

I can so relate to those words! Yet I forget their truth and turn back to self-reliance to “fix” my problems. I just have to hang on to my own will. The process of negativity, self-directed behavior, falling short, unhappiness, and disappointment in life is often overwhelming and leads to depression for me. It truly feels like that proverbial black pit that one can’t climb out of. Then!! Then I recall the truth of my faith that says just that! Romans 12:12 states “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” I work so hard on trying to fix me, but I fail to work hard at believing, patience and praying. So maybe if I work harder at practicing my faith and work less at trying to stay in charge, maybe things will begin to improve. I really do believe that where I’m at in life is more of a re-learning of self or a mid-life crisis or a character-shaping. Although this is a difficult process, I am confident that good things are happening and that positive changes are occurring.